Mar 9, 2018

Being partial to Vikander doesn't make Tomb Raider suck less


Edited: Mar 10, 2018



I absolutely adore Alicia Vikander, if anything I am pretty certain I am in love with her. She is an actress who can really act the helluva any genre - think Ex Machina, The Danish Girl and The Light Between Oceans. So when the Lara Croft character fell right into her lap, no one could possibly get more excited than yours sincerely. From the get-go I was willing to accept Miss Croft with no breasts, no ass and no smokin' pair of HKs. Truth be told I was also most ready to forget the imaginary beef my partly delusional self had with Michael Fassbender. Yet I still came away from the screening monumentally disappointed.


To be clear, Vikander did the very best she could muster; if anything the terrible script failed her, and more importantly, the audience. We are served a film splintered into three discontinuous segments, a watchable retelling of the heroine's origins a la Batman Begins - scion of a business empire gone somewhat wayward because both parents weren't by her side from a tender age, followed by a rather incoherent visual account of Lara herself embarking on a suicidal hunt for papa in no man's land with a habitually drunken Chinese buddy picked up along the way (an underwhelmingly used Daniel Wu). As if we weren't sufficiently flummoxed, the final act inexplicably throttles up into one violent splatter of a video game canvas not unlike a round at the PlayStation console.


Lara Croft is supposed to kick ass, instead she consistently gets her ass handed to her on a plate and tossed about like a ragdoll; first by human captors and subsequently Mother Nature. Often beaten and defeated. Short of being crucified, she probably suffered physically more than Christ himself. Oh and Lara Croft in 2018 sure has real serious Daddy issues - Daddy ain't dead, I miss Daddy, I need Daddy, let's go find Daddy........when she finally got reunited with oh so beloved father in a cave, I was secretly afraid something incestuous like Fifty Shades of Croft might happen. Add to that, there is Walter Goggins playing a half convincing asshole excavator lording over kidnapped slaves who turns out to be merely a realist wanting to return home and hold his little girls once more- another grand Daddy vs evil conundrum.


Without a doubt the ending hints at a sequel, however I am not the least bit optimistic about what happens next if the current set of collaborators hang around.


Rating By Blue Blooded Specimen: 5/10





Mar 9, 2018

At least your review was entertaining. Thanks bro.


Mar 10, 2018

She didn't deserve the oscar for The Danish Girl, period.

Mar 18, 2018

Just watched it earlier this afternoon, wasn't that terrible IMO. But Vikander's Lara Croft does come across as bloody fragile I will admit.

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